i felt guilty and retarded

i feel guilty for someone who always try to find a topic and talk to me, but i've been ignoring for quite a long time d. my friends say i'm too kind, always bother stuff that i shouldn't bother. end up, i'm the one who suffer. because i feel bad when someone is trying to talk to me bout their things and i'm ignoring them. but then i decided to ignore her d. sorry to say la, i din mean to hurt you but i seriously cannot take it anymore. even i din reply your message you're still messaging me.

but on the other side, i feel really happy when she(different person already, not the above one) message me. i duno why but the topic she talks about, i always feel comfortable to reply. unlike the other one, keep asking bout my personal life de. haiz

oh! i felt that myself is kinda retard, mentally retarded. it's like, hardly for me to really make decisions. i always thought i'm one of those who fall in love quickly and easily, and give a lot in a relationship and dun expect much in return. but actually, i just noticed that i'm a person who fall in love quite hard, giv quite a lot in a relationship and expecting something in return. eventhough i'm saying i'm not expecting anything, but i noticed it d. haiz. sometimes i really wonder how can ppl just started a relationship so easily and when they break up, they're like din feel anything?? maybe that's what so called puppy love?? some relationship that can never last. sometimes i think myself is someone who really think way too far. now, i even thought of buying a house for her already. haha i always dream and dream, always never come true.

this few days i kinda depress also, knowing too much things. it's like i wanna talk bout him cannot, wanna talk bout her also cannot. cannot talk him in front of her and talk bout her in front of him?? i really scared i say something wrong and ppl will hate me for the rest of their life. that's why i'm trying to be the very best friend i could. i dun wan to disappoint ppl. sometimes i think that i'm way too kind, giving so many chances to ppl. but i really can do nothing anymore because they never learn. then i'll be evil. hating them, hurting them and stuff. which is what i feel like changing la... sometimes really cannot control that kind of feeling. like today, he just whack me for no reason, and i really piss off, i did something immature, which is hitting him back. ahah and he hit back me again....then i stopped, cause i dun feel that by whacking him i can feel happier.

and sometimes, i feel like i've let go many chances. i always like or really in love with someone but i never go for them. because i always afraid of rejections. i got rejected twice in my life. which took me around 4 months to recover from both rejections. cause i really can't take it easy. i always giv too much in something and expecting something with a high hope. that's why i'm the one who always got hurt. according to horoscope, not just daily but generally, gemini's plan always never go well. haha that's why if you have any party or gathering, dun ask gemini to plan k?? their plans always never go like how it was planned. no matter how hard i tried, the one i like will never like me. it's either they hated me a lot or they're too close to me. it's totally opposite.

there was once that a girl say to me : i have kinda good feeling on you, maybe you can try to impress me. end up i failed and we became good friends, haha. she always giv me advice on how to get close to girls. but as i said, hard for geminis to plan something. when i plan, i never get the result i wanted/wished. and i always fail to get a girl, sometimes i feel i kinda desparate to know how it feels when you're really in love with someone and she loves you too. i duno why, lots of ppl dun believe that i'm still having my first kiss and i never couple before. haha. i think sometimes i look like those brainless gangster, living on the earth without direction. duno what's my aim or my target living on earth. it's like i like someone i never go for her, i wanna do something so badly but i never did it.

and 1 more thing, in chinese we say 男人不坏，女人不爱。which means if guys are not naughty, girls won't like them. it's kinda hard for me to bully someone i like right?? but when i see some couple can be like so close by some little tricking. but i duno la, i never been close with girls. since i was small until now (still not big yet but i mean last time when i was younger la). i never know how to talk with a girl, i always feel nervous and my tongue will tie up before i get to speak, i duno la. duno how am i gonna face girls someday mann.

ahhhhhhhhhhhh!!! so confused now!!! duno what should i do?!?!?

i'll just let it be how it is now la.....hope life will be better...haha =)