first time in my history or others' history??

i guess i'm mentally sick... and i need some mental fixing treatment... haha...

yesterday like everyone playing so fun.... i was having fun also i guess.... then the stupid guard says girls also cannot wear shirt in the swimming pool, then she started to down again... i duno why everytime she's feeling down, i will feel down too...

looking at her when she's feeling so down, i dun feel nice too... i was standing 1 side and eat drink then drink eat and eat drink again and again until she started to talk i only go back into the swimming pool... but seriously i'm such an useless person huh?? standing 1 side doing nothing and worrying in the heart only... when inside the lift... i heard something that make me feel even down'er... i was thinking at that moment too, why the other 2 boon can cheer her up so easily... but me, this boon.... weird, boring and useless.... wanna make her smile for 0.1 second also cannot...

but the main thing i wanna say here is... something i dun even believe it will happen but it already happened this morning... when i was sitting alone this morning, i was thinking bout my past... what did i do?? what actually happened to me... yesterday when she was feeling so down and sent a weird message... i wasn't doing anything at all... did i lost hope?? did i gave up?? i really duno what am i thinking at that moment but somehow felt that i couldn't bother it anymore... haiz... but this morning, the very first time that i emo til i vomitted twice... i felt really suffering in the heart and it just vomit like that... i guess i'm both physically and mentally damaged... i guess i need to speed up myself to seek for the key of happiness or joy, or else i will sink into the ocean with all my depresssion...

many ppl think i need a counselor? (not sure the spelling) i guess no need la, a quiet person like me and seldom share my feelings de.... i guess i won't trust the counselor also... haha... i feel more safe sharing with those i care for or care for me