do i deserve it ??

prom is like a gathering for everyone of us for the last time... it suppose to be something happy or enjoying.... but why am i feeling so bad?? the prom passed, and i felt like it's something i shouldn't attend?? i went to prom is like stabbing a knife on my chest... every scene is so hurting... i know i'm being jealous, but who wouldn't?? even a best friend thought they're coupling... every moment looking at them is like slicing my arm... but i look at her not to hurt myself, i just wanna make sure she's safe... but why !! no matter what i did i'm like won't get my credits... i'm trying so hard already... i even started not to fear while talking to her...

last night, when everyone of us getting down from car... none of them even thought of holding an umbrella.... me.... purposely borrowed an umbrella just to make sure the girl(s) won't get sick... but end up i got no credit too and everyone was like saying the other person... seriously... i duno why am i hurting so much... i already knew she's loving someone so deeply... and yet i still love her... everytime she's telling me how much she loved him... and making me not to love her... but why am i still loving her?? looking at her smile is like the most happy time... having a time together = heavenly feeling... the way she speaks, i can find no words to describe... and everytime i feel like no one notice me at all... even when we yam cha'ing last night... i'm gone for like 2 minutes only got ppl notice.... 2 minutes.... it's long enough to suicide already... i loved her for who she is... i dun mind what's the cost... as long as i know i'll live for her... why life has to be so miserable?? things always cannot go well... why am i feeling so down....

did she cared for my feeling?? i duno... cause it's like yesno all the time... i can't expect the person i love to love me.... i really shouldn't go prom.... now what?? i'm crying all alone?? 1 of my friend told me that i cry = stupid... for just a girl... he also said that if she dun love me is her lost... cause i'm someone so good?? i dun even think i'm good or whatsoever... good ppl are failures... shouldn't be borned at the first place... now i know why ppl wanted to be bad guys... i'm even feeling wanted to be 1 of them... for ppl who are close to me... they should know what i WAS... but seriously i dun wan to get affectedd by all this love love thing and turn back to what i WAS...

or should i think a lil further?? i shouldn't transfer back to this school?? or i shouldn't join club setia or go cheer 2008.... everything is connected... but why ?!?!?! it's like so random and so suckz... 1 time happy 1 time sad... but every sadness is double the happiness i had....

why i have to see all those scenes?? it's like so bleeding... i've asked myself... will she be happy if she's with me?? will she live nicely without any problems like what she's facing now?? i can't even make her smile even for 1 second.... seeing other making her smile... it's good to see her smile... i just couldn't control it anymore... i'm feeling so bad and down now... first time i felt so down that i'm even tears'ing while i'm blogging... but who cares right?? no one care bout me... no one will even notice me... i cried also no one care one la.... do i deserve it??

why ?? why ?? why ??
do i deserve it?? do i really have to face all this?? do i really have to do this?? i'm feeling so so so so so so bad now.... but suiciding will be a stupid way to end everything... i guess i'll just stay with all this pain. Why? i really don know what else to say. just wanna let her know i really love her.