happy but sad ? sad but happy ?

hmm, this feeling ... i hesitated for quite long d... but i got it clearer few days back... and... i'm really not hurting you and pressuring you or anything here... just really expressing what i was thinking all this time since i'm back from ns...

the moment you told me you've gotten together with him... it really breaks me down... i thought i'm really have to face the fact and give up on you... i even push myself hard with the ns schedule... when the JL asked me to do something, i'll push myself to the extreme limit even though i dun have to... but... the more i force myself, it's just reminding me of you... i even blame myself for not doing things faster... but i know... all these kind of things... really cannot force one... 2 weeks later, you sms me once again telling me you're finished with him... that moment, i really dunno what to say, what to think or even what to do while i have a full schedule there in ns...

i wonder... again and again... is it me who caused you making that mistake ? or should i say decision rather than mistake? i don't know... during ns, i keep telling you bout myself only... i din't really care for you... maybe i made you feel lonely... or jealous cause i keep talking bout the girls in my camp... and end up... you made that decision...i i i really don't know.... cause all this while... i really don't know what you feel for me... ok... i just wish everything will be clear for me at that moment... ok.... that's like few months back d, dun wan to talk bout it anymore... somehow, i just feel like expressing it tonight... cause if i say it out, i'm sure i'll end up crying on someone's shoulder or sadder, my own pillow...

few days back, i'm really happy and glad... cause we've chatted a lot... some topics are not even supposed to chat about... and... you told me that you tell me everything... but... i knew i'm not the first one to know everything... i feel kinda sad cause i'm not the first one you think of... but i know i should be feeling glad that i'm already someone you will think of... sometimes i really dunno should i feel sad or happy... but 1 thing for sure, you've changed a lil... now you're letting me know the details instead of telling me it's someone or something...

maybe... i'm just thinking too much... but sometimes... we just dun realise why are we doing something in those ways... maybe there's some reason we never notice... just like CP3, JT never realise he fell in love with XJ until she say she gonna marry someone else... funny huh? he don't know he fell in love...

never knew

i never knew that you would affect me that much... this few days, i've been doing lots of thinking... i find it funny bout the way how i know you... and it's... such an important event that happened in my life... all this while... i really can't find anything to describe us... until last night... i thought of 2 funny examples.. haha

we're just like a pink guava... i'm the green outside, and you're the pink inside... as i like green and you liked pink... i might look tough and rough but actually i'm sort of soft inside... you look like a special type of guava... that actually really sweet inside... ppl will never know how sweet you are until they get to know you more... maybe... i'm just a lil over protective and sensitive like the pink guava skin... >.< anything happen also can change my colour of skin which is like my mood swing sometimes... haha

another funny example is... you're like the sakuras growing at my bamboo field... same to the pink green concept... sakura... only at japan i suppose? and bamboo... for panda to eat and just fully green... it's funny to think that sakuras will grow on bamboo? haha.... all this while... my life is just like plain green... but you've brought this beautiful bright colour into my life... my field... every time i meet you, you're wearing pink... except for the 1st time we met and 1st time we talked... others.. not too many times, but still.... all pink... hehe.... if you remember la... =) it's really wonderful knowing you in my life...

bout the affect me part... i think i've changed a lot after knowing you, but as for changing to a better side... many things that i wouldn't do last time, i really did them... and... just without you being around when i needed you... it's just... plain loneliness...

sorry for not being there when you needed someone... and sorry for promising i'll be there always while i can't...

Movie Marathon

hmm, for the past 2 weeks, i think i've watched like 5 movies? here's my comments

2012

- a very good show, which made me start worrying bout the world... lolz

- to those who watched this, remember what the guy said bout civilization =)

- can't really comment much, but it's really a great show

A Christmas Carol

- scary yet funny, well... not to say scary lar, it's more to like shocking

- somehow telling people not to forget bout the past?

- people will treat you like how you treated them, and sometimes there's ppl like... they'll still treat you good and respect you even you always treat them bad

Couples Retreat

- thumbs up =P

- i really love this meaningful show, haha

- this show shows us bout relationship, and it's kinda true that... most of the problems between couples are caused by the lacking of communications? like... they made you realise how seldom you talk to your partner... they show you that... you always thought that you cared for your partner but actually most of the time you just talking bout yourself... i like the part where the guy say : you said done lots of things together? what are those things? what i heard only his her his her his her, where's we? where's us? where's our?

- the programme inside the show... it's not like what dave said.... creating problems that you couples never have but to make you realise or notice or aware of what problems you actually have... which is lack of communications or really listen to your partner.. what he or she really wants...

Twilight Saga : New Moon

- missed a bit of the starting cause decided to watch last minute T_T but i've got student price for it... muahahahz.... rm7 !! fyi : i watched alone... >.<

- i think along this movie, i never get bored... it's like exciting all the time... haha

- i feels like jacob... i mean his condition and situation.... not his body and face... lolz...

- really like alice, bella, jacob... they're pretty and handsome !! =P

- to jane and edward lovers... sorry i'm not with you... like that only can argue mar... HAHA

- waiting for next one... can't wait actually.. HAHA

The Storm Warrior : 风云

- highly recommended for those who like action movies, it's loud and full of actions, you can even feel the vibrations from your seat... free massage.. lolz

- ms zx from cp3 acted as chu chu 楚楚 in this show, she's still so pretty... haha

- can't really comment much bout this too, but it's quite a good production... they created a new word too... pronounce as BA ! haha...

post

so long never blog already... >.< really dunno what to blog also.... recently... too much things happened... really dunno which part to start blogging or wanna express bout them... 1 thing for sure is... i really have to decide what to take and where to go as soon as possible... if not i'll be dragging myself for another half year and i'll be wasting more and more time as long as i din start my course... haiz...

well, roughly discussed bout the college thing yesterday.. maybe i shouldn't worry so much, just start the course and go with the flow... if not ... i can't start my course forever d... keep thinking too much is not the way to solve this problem... haiz... really wish everything will be fine and i won't make the wrong decision... haiz... just too much negatives going around huh? haiz.. aura...

maybe i should see the positive side too huh? there are people who keep helping me and comforting me whenever i need them... =) sometimes i thought being female have lots of advantages... haha... but now at least i know being a male also not bad .... haha !! thanks girls =) for helping me.. haha...

too many maybe in my life, too many haiz... too many if !! i should be more confident and do what i should do!! to myself and everyone outside, gam ba teh neh ! =)

the right one

life will be beautiful if you spent it with the right person

do not keep your heart even if it's a broken heart

a person who fell in love with you before never love you again - heart breaking
heart broken people always run away when they have chance to be in love again because they're afraid that their heart will be hurt again, afraid that getting their heart broken once again. they couldn't trust anyone else anymore. they afraid if they trust someone else again, their heart will be broken again like how it was before.

but if you're keeping your heart from everyone, what's the difference if it's broken? if you just plan to keep on keeping it, someday, when you wanna try using it again, it won't be any good. we all should grab chances and got nothing to lose. the heart might be broken, but it isn't gone nor dead. if it's gone, you won't treat anyone else good.

sometimes, it's not ppl forget bout you... just that they forget to remember you because they were too busy... and they don't mean to forget, it just happens.

do not make promises that you can't keep.

something i noticed

hmm, i noticed that... we, human... always see negative things more important/1st to come compare to positive stuff... well... you see... in a relationship, when he/she is doing all the great stuff, the other one will just like : aww~ you're so sweet, i love you... but when he/she made a mistake, arguement will come~ or like cold war ~ don't talk at all and stuff... yar, i understand that we all will feel angry or somehow disappointed when your partner made a mistake that you never liked/never wish he/she will make... but... a mistake can wipe off all the great moments you guys had? those great stuff he/she did? well, i can't really comment much cause i'm a single guy... i never faced those tornado, typhoon, cold war, ice age!! with the other person... so... that's just my opinion lar, why ppl can ignore all the goods because of 1 bad? >.<

ok, let's not talk bout relationship ones... talk bout normal family stuff... example, school results... no matter how many As you get, they just feel happy for you or like ask you to maintain it... but once you failed any subject, words like : see, ask you study dun wan, everyday play play play... now fail d lar... or like : how can you fail?? never study?? or stuff like that... not to say ALL but seldom will have like : oh, you failed? just try harder next time and score better.... seldom you'll see parents focus more on improvements than grades...

next thing is bout housecore, no matter how clean you cleaned the house, they will like just... wa, you cleaned those? not bad not bad, keep it up... but once they felt that bit of dust, then started to scold : you everyday at home, very busy hor? dunno how to clean the house ah ?!?! gosh... i'm so sick of ppl not appreciating.... not just family, but friends also... haiz... life....shit mann... when will it change to become better?

friends

hmmm, something just flash by my mind... and made me thought for a while... hmmm...

using basketball and cheerleading as example... your team...

when your team win - everyone celebrate together
when your team lose - everyone sad together
when you made your team wins - it's either everyone happy for you, or some might jealous of you
when you made your team loses - it's either some ppl comfort you or some ppl blame you

i wonder what's the feeling of being in a team... like... do your friends actually supported you all the time? or they just really treat you as a teammate only... like just to team up and perform together... or behind the stage, they really cared for you... hmm...

i couldn't explain or express what's running in my mind, cause sometimes it's just so hard to transform them into words and publish it out...

haha, read back the post, i dun really saying what's on my mind... i mean, i dun really get what myself is trying to say also... LOLx

stop my damm freaking past

ya ya ya, sukie sukie sukie... i admit that i used to say that i'll love sukie forever... but i din say that to her, i say to my friends only... that's why i think like, there's no commitment at all was made... you know i feel really annoyed when some of you ppl still saying : "i remember last time you say you'll love sukie forever and never change, how you know your love towards manda won't change this time?" gosh... it's so irritating whenever i heard that mann...

ya, i used to think that way and say things that way... but... can't you ppl change your damm thinking meh? din you notice everytime when you say i used to love sukie, i always dun give any response? cause i really dun wan to get into any arguement, it's not that i'm speechless bout it... ya, maybe i'm speechless bout it, but that was the past for god's sake... why keep bringing it out in front of so many ppl and keep saying bout it? i used to be "stupid" or rather immature... cause i even thought of buying a car with the number plat of WSQ1314? ya... funny...

and as for now... i din always bring out the topic "manda" right? because i din commit anything to her yet... and you got hear from me that i'll love manda forever? the answer is no!! because i've learnt how to think now... unlike form 4's me... ya, i can't guarantee i'll love manda forever as the ME i am now... no one can guarantee, even if they promised you, they can break their promises any time they want... because as who i am now, i can't give the secure feeling, that kind of assurance to manda... because i always knew that i'm not good enough for anyone yet...

ya ya ya, many ppl say i'm good, i'm kind, i'm a good listener, i'm a good friend or whatsoever... but deep down inside, i know i'm not good, i'm not kind, dun even mention a good listener or a good friend... i know i've been always a trouble to ppl... cause i never make decisions whenever we hang out, i can never handle calls or decide like where to meet, where to eat or stuff like that... when ppl call me and ask : "hey, what movie are we watching later? and what time is it?" i can't answer questions like that cause i never have enough confidence in myself and i really afraid of making decisions....

i always thought like i can be good to others... but sometimes the things i do, it's just too over... sometimes i'm just trying to help but end up making more troubles or problems... that's why i'm used to like... not making any decisions at all... every decisions i made, there's problems around... i'm trying to improve myself in any ways i can...

can just stop saying what i used to say bout sukie? i'm starting to get annoyed by my dumbness? f*** it mann...

P.S. not trying to say sukie not good but just how bad was i...

i'm sort of "back"

i notice, the recent me... is so back to the old me... the little emo boy... haha... i don't know how to describe what i'm feeling now... but... after listening to those old songs... i mean... songs with memories... so many songs reminding me bout the past... those sweet moments, those chats... now... everyone is moving forward, and i'm staying the same? i know myself is getting weaker... i really don't know how to describe all these... i'm feeling myself like... hmm... am i not ready for a relationship? am i just dare not to confess? or what? there's just too many question marks in my mind... time is the best way to show me a clearer view, guide me with clues

sometimes, i'm just feeling so weird, after knowing so much... i really afraid i can't give what you want... sometimes i really feel like i dun deserve you... i mean... you're just too great for my life... ya, i have to agree that love is to look beyond the imperfections... because seriously you're the 100% perfect girl to me... "十全十美, sap qun sap mei" sometimes i really blaming myself... how can i be so helpless? i can't even do a simple thing...

seeing you smile is the greatest thing
making you smile is the happiest thing
loving your smile is the most beautiful thing

too bad, i can only do the 3rd one... failed to do the 1st and 2nd ones...

this year, 295 days gone... and i've only met you 3 times... if i'm not mistaken... knowing you is the greatest part of my life and the most beautiful happening in my life... and i seriously dun hope it's the worst part of your life for knowing me... =(

L L L - the song where the love begins