happy but sad ? sad but happy ?

hmm, this feeling ... i hesitated for quite long d... but i got it clearer few days back... and... i'm really not hurting you and pressuring you or anything here... just really expressing what i was thinking all this time since i'm back from ns...

the moment you told me you've gotten together with him... it really breaks me down... i thought i'm really have to face the fact and give up on you... i even push myself hard with the ns schedule... when the JL asked me to do something, i'll push myself to the extreme limit even though i dun have to... but... the more i force myself, it's just reminding me of you... i even blame myself for not doing things faster... but i know... all these kind of things... really cannot force one... 2 weeks later, you sms me once again telling me you're finished with him... that moment, i really dunno what to say, what to think or even what to do while i have a full schedule there in ns...

i wonder... again and again... is it me who caused you making that mistake ? or should i say decision rather than mistake? i don't know... during ns, i keep telling you bout myself only... i din't really care for you... maybe i made you feel lonely... or jealous cause i keep talking bout the girls in my camp... and end up... you made that decision...i i i really don't know.... cause all this while... i really don't know what you feel for me... ok... i just wish everything will be clear for me at that moment... ok.... that's like few months back d, dun wan to talk bout it anymore... somehow, i just feel like expressing it tonight... cause if i say it out, i'm sure i'll end up crying on someone's shoulder or sadder, my own pillow...

few days back, i'm really happy and glad... cause we've chatted a lot... some topics are not even supposed to chat about... and... you told me that you tell me everything... but... i knew i'm not the first one to know everything... i feel kinda sad cause i'm not the first one you think of... but i know i should be feeling glad that i'm already someone you will think of... sometimes i really dunno should i feel sad or happy... but 1 thing for sure, you've changed a lil... now you're letting me know the details instead of telling me it's someone or something...

maybe... i'm just thinking too much... but sometimes... we just dun realise why are we doing something in those ways... maybe there's some reason we never notice... just like CP3, JT never realise he fell in love with XJ until she say she gonna marry someone else... funny huh? he don't know he fell in love...