10 bucks for 2 hours of thoughts??

i'm really so damm useless de lor.... haiz...
i really wish i can know what is she feeling, thinking and doing...
i really wish i can think bout what happen trying to put myself in her shoes, not to think bout it in my own ways...

2 hours.... i thought it through and through...
i've got positive answers and negative answers....
i guess you also know how hard is it when someone dun reply your message but replied someone else's message in front of you right? it's kinda heart breaking, eventhough it's just some educational messages, but really affect mental thinking for a while de lo... i believe every man will react the same... but... i thought it the other way lar... i read back what i sent also lar... maybe it's my fault lor... and i was actually wishing for some simple only !! just a message to let me know... everything's fine... nvm lar, i can't force right?? am i that heavenly ?? how much pain i could actually take in?? haiz....

i always feel i'm not good enough for her... dunno lar... haiz.... sometimes i even think that i've gave her pressure in some ways... i dunno my way of concern, my way of caring... is it something pressuring... i really dunno what i can do, i really wish there's something i can do.... after worrying the whole night... finally i've got an answer... i even held my phone in my hand when i fell asleep last night.... the last message i received was 126am, the last i sent was 148am... and the last time i saw before falling asleep was 314am... i held my phone every single second just in case that she would reply me anytime... until i'm really tired and i fell asleep with the phone on my hand...

everyday, i'm just thinking and thinking and thinking..... have i ever made any moves? any actions?? i'm just always saying it with my mouth.... you know.... sometimes i really feel that i'm nothing at all... i thought of suiciding once... not because of her lar, but i noticed like no one realised that i'm actually exist or something... and somehow, i found my way to live on... the only reason i'm living it's because i wanna give a chance for someone to love me, and give a chance to myself to truely love someone... the word loyalty, it's not just a word... it can be considered as a big commitment... i always thought through also... why human have to do something to continue surviving?? why am i human?? somehow, i found the answer... when someone work hard to earn money, when someone working hard on someone else... WE, ALL HUMAN are surviving for our LOVE ONES... that's what i'm thinking now, eventhough i dun think my age is suitable for this kind of thinking... but... i guess i've made a right choice... we can't just give up our lives... because we have our love one to protect, our love one to share, our love one to comfort...

ya, maybe you think i'm emo or what... but you can't know what is running through my mind... i can be as simple as a strawman, but i can be as complicated as a high-tech machine with thousands over functions... within that 2 hours... i've thought a lot.... and i have someone beside me to share lots of my thoughts too.... she shared some of hers with me too... hehe... but i... i just dunno lar... been having that kind of idk idc idm way of living... that's why now like so cacat'ed (fyi : idk idc idm means i don't know, i don't care, i don't mind) i really hope i can make up my mind and do something which i feel it's a right thing to start with.... my education? my career? or relationships....

i just wish that, i can understand everyone around me really well, what are they thinking, what they really want.... i hope that my existence can make everyone around me feels that i cared for them... but i'm just too busy to satisfy everyone... that's why, i wished for the least, i could understand what is she thinking, feeling, and what i can do for her, care for her...

REMEMBER : do not give up our life, give yourself a chance to love other ppl, and give other ppl a chance to love you... survive for those who willing to love us, survive for those who you willing to love, never ever give up... that's what every human living for.... A CHANCE