self-awareness

i think i should get a book and write bout those movies i've seen and write down the lessons i learn after watching them... i've been spamming movies for like a month?? watched over 40 movies and i seriously learnt a lot...

how to look at life more positive?? always put myself in others' shoes so i would know how they felt... sometimes i feel some ppl hate me... haha, cause i always so call " act good " ?? i also duno lah, just hard to be the bad one huh?? it's so damm easy to be a bad guy... but who like to be one?? i've promised myself not to bully girls 5 years ago... was it a mistake?? because so many ppl say girls like to be bullied... from what i observed, it's kinda true also... when the bullying process is going on, they're like getting a step closer to each other... and sometimes i somehow feel that i'm so far away from her... it's like i know nothing bout her.... and that's because i never talk to her before? never bully? i don't know....

let me tell you why i'm so quiet most of the time, too many ppl asked me this...

1st - i'm not good in keeping secrets, i'm glad that most of you shared your secrets with me, but seriously i'm not good in keeping them, and that's why i'm so quiet... when i talk slightly more than normal, i'll get hyper and i'll talk lots of things, that's the time your secret might LEAK OUT... i know myself well, and i just can't control that, maybe i can control but i never try... cause i chose to be quiet instead of fighting what i'm saying... i've said few secrets out when i'm talking more and more, i hope no one of you would remember what i've said... lolz, being quiet just because i wanna keep those secrets well, i just can't control when i'm talking a lot, seriously... when i talk a lot, you'll start to get irritated by me... i'm an annoying person when i talk a lot, i noticed that... and i'm so rubbish when i talk a lot, nonsense all over and somehow brainless.... or rather insane... crazy person talking without thinking with his brain...

2nd - i know everyone have their own problems and everyone is facing different problems and life... maybe i'm just thinking too much until my brain couldn't rest?? most of the time when i'm hanging out i'm thinking hell lot of things... they're running all around my mind... how many person on earth can actually live on everyday without thinking a thing?? cut all the kids... most of the kids have nothing to worry, because most of them dun understand a thing... even smart kids are lan ci... what else can you expect.... standard 1 start smoking already.... they still duno how to think... how smart can they be?? i'm getting crazy over all the things i'm thinking, that's why i'm so damm quiet when i'm out, i just dun wan to explode, no advantage at all towards anyone... then why should i explode and express them out?? just giving people troubles...

3rd - i'm quiet cause i'm a shallow person... and i'm not that kind of outgoing person or an explorer... my shallowness... seriously serious shallow... i know nothing bout houses, cars, phones, games ( except those i've played ), places, delicious food, nice playground, plants, animals or insects... i dun even know how to spell a giraffe?? the stupid animal with long neck... i dun even know how to spell it !! damm, i just notice i'm such a stupid person... haha... everyday gaming like no one else on earth and dun care bout the surrounding... seriously, i have no interest in knowing what's all the cars and phones lo.... it's like.... idk !! argh.. just feel so empty at this moment... knowing nothing.... i dun know how to cook, and i duno how to guide ppl, and i duno how to teach ppl.... i know nothing lah ~ !! sob sob sob

4th - seriously, sometimes i duno what language to use when i'm going to speak out... it's like... so odd to me.... when ppl speaking cantonese to me and i speak english to them.... cause my cantonese not really good and i'm not comfortable speaking it... that's why i'm replying in english... sometimes i need for quite long before i started to talk with a person, what language should i use... especially those ppl who understands all the languages that i know... ppl like sukie, amanda, michelle, kai yee, i duno what language to use when i'm facing them de lo... i just feel so weird... sometimes it's not the matter of shy or afraid.... i'm just lost when i'm facing them... haha...